A special government focus group released information the Thursday after last indicating dieing as being the number one cause of death in the U.S.

The focus group, consisting of scientists, biologists, doctors, two T.V. repair men, and a manicurist, spent 5 exhaustive days, and several billion dollars fact checking and comparing statistics on a recently upgraded home P.C. equipped with he latest in "high speed broad band technology".

"The power of the new Windows Vista software allowed us to quickly compile the data relevant to our research, while efficiently blocking pop-ups and allowing Ron (television repair technician) to keep tabs on the NBA play off standings." said Penelope, a 26 year old manicurist, and leading chair member of the newly formed think tank.

 The new findings indicated a staggering trend showing nearly all American deaths in the last 50 years being directly linked to dieing.

"Its pretty damned scary" said Ron, a television repair technician "any of us could be dieing at any time, and we wouldnt even know it until we were dead"

A pie chart compiled by the scientists, using the latest MicroSoft Excel software, indicates that dieing can be triggered by metabolic decay, accelerated cellular respiration, birth, and high trans fat content processed foods.

The think tank has been given a 300 billion dollar budget extension, several new internet browsers, and search program Betas, to try and discover possible cures or prevention for dieing, but so far the outlook is dim. "It really looks like dieing is an unstoppable juggernaught... just look at the death toll" stated Clarence, a professional scientist and recent honors graduate from the Fargo community college associates program.

 In the mean time, the think tank has released several early warning indicators of dieing, in hopes to slow its progress. Citizens of the U.S., primarily those living in the more populous coastal areas are cautioned to be on alert for signs of:

Lethargy or Fatigue

Disinterest in fashion trends and world events

Increased interest in god and the afterlife

Joint stiffness

A distinct "rotting" smell.

A second think tank has been established in a mirror effort to determine what government the aformentioned think tank works for.

""The power of the new Windows Vista software allowed us to quickly compile the data relevant to our research, while efficiently blocking pop-ups and allowing Ron (television repair technician) to keep tabs on the NBA play off standings." said Penelope, a 26 year old manicurist, and leading chair member of the newly formed think tank." "

Ah, but they forgot to mention the amount of time they wasted telling Vista it was okay to run their unknown number-crunching program each time they started the program up!!!  (Trust me, it's annoying.)

Jordan .

x-ray
if your back's against the wall, turn around and write on it...

~ Amanda

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave..."

Jordan .

Meh. I never found the whole "confirm" thing to be that annoying. People cry if Microsoft isn't doing enough to secure their OS, and then they complain when they DO do something about it. It's a no-win. There's nothing I open on my computer that is so important that taking the extra two seconds to confirm that I have accessed the file slows me up. Well. Except for the porn. You know, when the urge strikes...

But anyway! :D Dying. I think out of all the forms of death out there, dying is probably the one I fear the most. Or maybe dyeing? That would suck too. Laying there in your coffin at your wake, all tarted up in a bizarre amalgam of brilliant Paas colors (and probably those damn stickers too).

~ Amanda

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave..."