So, tonight, I went out for drinks with someone I've known for a little over a long age.  We had had a crush on each other when we first met umpteen years ago, not talked for years, and then became friends again just before I moved from East to West.  I realized tonight that I've never felt more akin to someone than I do to this woman.  The unfortunate thing is that we live in this reality, where we live a million miles from each other, we're both old and bitter, and we're both of the "can't screw things up now that we're friends" strain.  Tonight I go to bed feeling like I had an awesome night, but with a slightly tired heart.

-cg

I am here to commiserate with ya, hun.

I just spent the past six hours playing World of Warcraft. Somehow I think I'm actually helping destiny keep me single.

~ Amanda

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave..."

This is so weird!  Sunday night my best friend ran into "the one who got away" who is now a millionaire and married with 2 kids.  She has 3 kids and is living with her boyfriend of 3 years after a divorce from a cheating loser.  She is one of the most "not give a f**k" kind of people I know and she actually was in tears over the life she "could've had".

So we all got on this subject of the love of our lives.

Mine I have dated off and on for 10 years now and I decided yesterday to email him (haven't seen him in 4 years) and tell him that.  He agreed but says he is "too mental" too do anything about it.  He has social anxiety and never leaves the house except for work.  I know if he would go see someone and maybe open op he would be better but he doesn't want to which makes him emotionally unavailable.

In the meantime I found out all of my neighbors think I am a lesbian because I really have no interest in trying to date anymore.

I'm just gonna throw this out there for whatever it's worth. I know that not all friendships can survive that next level, but in my experience (personally and seeing other people's relationships), it's usually those relationships that begin as friendships that actually are more fulfilled, satisfying and lasting. Again, not always the case, but I sure wouldn't let "we're friends so we don't want to screw that up" type argument get in the way of moving beyond.

Now I might get beat up on some of this, but I think in many cases, relationships that are based purely on attractioin, sex, whatever are the ones that will ultimately fail. Attraction changes because  as we get older our likes and dislikes change (for the most part). Sex isn't new anymore so you don't always have that going. And then suddenly the relationship falls apart (I think this personally accounts for the majority of 50% marriage failures we have in the US).

Now on the other hand, if you have a relationship that is first based on friendship and then everything else thereafter, then I personally think you have something holding the relationship together, as long as you remember that friendship that brought you together.

Now I'm gonna get sappy -- the moment that I am no longer "friends" with Kelly is the moment I know that our marriage is in trouble.  That's what we have - friendship first and as long as we keep that friendship lit, then everything else seems to falls in place.

One other little thing that I don't often hear about relationships and love, and it's something I heard many moons ago - LOVE is a choice. You choose to fall in love, and you choose to fall out of love, and we often don't realize that we make these choices to fall out of love (there's always exceptions to every situation but this was this person's general opinion). I remember specifically the person saying (or book saying) that every morning you have to choose to love someone. The argument was simple - love is an emotion initially, and that's what brings two people together, but at some point love is no longer emotional, and that's what people don't realize. At some point, Love becomes a choice that you have to choose each day. Maybe if more people realized that love was not just emotional or some sexual attraction, marriages would be more successful.  

Again - I know there are exceptions to everything and everyone - this is just generally how I see things - almost 31 years old and been married for 7 of those years, and with Kelly for 12 years in Sept (first as friendship).  

So I'd say give it a shot, but go slow because friendship is teh key. 

Jordan .

Jordan, I so agree with you (as usual).  I think anyone who makes an excuse...we're friends, you're too young/old, I am friends with your sister...all of these excuses wouldn't happen if you were in love.  Think of a time you were in love and how you made excuses FOR that person, not against.

I always go for the wrong type of girls. I always keep going back for more with the ones who treat me like shit and lose interest in the nice ones who couldn't possibly do more for me! Well, until now.  The last one was the straw that broke the camel's back. I used to be really confident and fearless when it came to the whole dating thing but a bad relationship really sucked self-esteem right out of me. I've learnt from it and i'm only starting to get my confidence back now. Anybody else ever experience this?

I know this is a generalization but so what? I think it's true enough. Girls are mean, boys. They're more clever than you are and they are several steps ahead of you from the onset. The worst of them will play you like fiddles if you allow it.

My advice? Never but never try to "figure them out." Even if you figure out one ploy, there'll be another one that cancels out the modus operandi of the first. Ignore it. Don't fall prey to their moods. Do not believe you had anything to do with those ups and downs. You will only further victimize yourself if you do and she will only disrespect you for it.

Confidence is key. Humor too. Masculinity is a nice feature as well. Keep it simple. And don't try to understand 'em.

Other off-the-cuff advice for guys embarking on New Relationships:

Immediately drop the girl who talks to you about her ex-, someone she currently has a crush on, her cute co-worker, etc. No explanations. Just don't call and don't hang out with her.  Should you later give her a second chance, do not say WHY you stopped calling but do it again if she does it again.  Then, do not give her a third chance. You must be brutal and make no exceptions with this.

Never but never ask this question, "What's wrong?" You don't want to know. Plus whatever she tells you won't be the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You just met her.  It's got nothing to do with you, you can't fix her or her problems and she'll think you are a wus for trying. 

Wait 24 hours before returning a phone call from a new attraction. No explanations for why you waited. No "sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday.." Just call 24 hours later (or more) and pick it up from there.

NO Gifts!!!  You must wait a very long time -- hopefully after she offers the first gift -- before buying her any gifts.  This includes cute cards, flowers, or (ugh) stuffed animals.  You may bring a bottle of wine IF she's fixing you dinner.  You may bring a little bouquet of flowers under the same circumstances.  One or the other.  Not both.  And make sure the flowers are a creative bundle -- not crappy Conroy's red roses.  Definitely not carnations either.  These are a reflection of YOU -- we don't care what her favorite flowers are.  Hand them over casually when you enter -- no "beautiful flowers for a beautiful flower."  Casual.  "Got a vase for these?"

I could go on and on with this subject. Having been a mean girl to nice boys, and then years later coming to learn about the male species via a son and his many male friends, I feel ... well, a little remorseful. Like I say, these are generalizations, but they will work more often than they'll backfire, I guarantee you!

Susan

     
“Half a truth is often a great lie.”

Ben Franklin

~ Amanda

"Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave..."

Holy crap, I'm single for two years now. That went fast... (Probably because there was nobody I was particularly interested in until about three weeks ago. Now, as I'm trying to get something happening, the days when I don't get a chance to try to talk to her seem to go on quite a while longer than they need to...)

I'd just like to embellish upon Susan's remarks. Yes, if you feel like you're being toyed with (those basket case signals that confuse you, or make you want to fix her) you probably are. Whether or not she's doing it to you consciously, it's something our gender all learn to do and part of becoming a woman is meeting that guy who won't put up with it. Keep looking until you find that girl who understands you're not dumb/easy enough to fall for it- not a doormat- but someone who respects you. Because honestly, NO girl really wants a guy she can conquer.

Now, casual detachment can be interesting, but genuine interest can be, too. If it's in your nature to drop a romantic text message that she's on your mind, do it. It will be appreciated. But for god's sake if you do it twice and she's not responding, then the ball is in her court.

As for the gifts, I think you can make an exception for her birthday, but only if you've slept together, otherwise it just looks like you're paying your way into her panties. Rob and I started seeing eachother a couple of weeks before my birthday 2 years ago, and when he came in with roses, it took me a good 5 minutes to notice he had them in his hand. When I did, all he had to do was make some hot eye contact. It was perfect.

Oh, yeah- and friendship first is ALWAYS the best approach.

Let me start with : my life is a festering pile of crap. That being said let's move on.

my life sucks prob#1: Last year I had this co worker that I totally fell for because I'm an idiot. And I was under the impression that they liked me as well. I was so certain that I was going to ask the guy out after christmas, because he was in japan for christmas break. And damnit it would have worked...because I had transfered stores before he left. And while he was gone I was sitting here thinking hey this might work. And then fate tooka dump on my head. I missed the boat and he started dating this mean preppy chic. And I had to find out from one of my former co workers.

So I haven't talked to him for a year and I had no intention to. But out of nowhere he called me and left me a sad messege. So I called thinking hey cool maybe he had a terminal illness. No things just kept reminding him of me so he had to call.  He then spent the phone call complaining about the other chick and how they weren't together anymore. I told him about my feelings at the time because he pissed me off so much that I couldn't hold my ranting in. It was along one to. Ten Minutes of my life dedicated to telling this guy that I hate him because he should have chosen me. and I made him cry. Then he told me that he would have dated me over this other chick.

Which leads to my next question. Do I have to do everything?! I mean dammnit is it so hard for guys to make the first move? Am I really that unreadable? Or are boys just completely stupid?

I mean the last year could have been so much less crappy if one of us had grown a pair and said something. But NO! I finally get over the asshat and he stirs it all back up.

Wait life gets better for Rachel.

Prob#2: I was dating this guy. I really liked him, but he kept blowing me off. And I think he was only dating me because he wanted to be seen with someone lamer than himself. Which pissed me off, but I thought I could get past it because I was lonely. So... I think I decided it was over the first night of the fest when I started noticing that there were guys way better than him out there. But I wanted to give him a chance to not be a complete butthole. I haven't talked to him in two weeks. He knew when the festival ended. Aren't boyfriends at least supposed to call to check if your alive? I haven't heard from him at all. I don't want to be with someone who can't even bother to call me. So I am going to dump his ass and be alone again.

But I kind of liked having a boyfriend. I mean it's not like I have a lot of options flowing in. Guys don't ask me out everyday....and I really wanted this one to work out. It was kind of nice to have someone. I mean everyone I know has someone, and it's kind of annoying.. I think I may have lost faith in guys. Which sucks because it's a little early in my life to be deciding that men are assholes. Isn't that something your supposed to do when you hit your thirties.

Problem #3: I am very not happy right now and could really use a hug, but I really don't have anyone around to hug me. Which has just made me a little sadder. Yay now I am more depressed.

And I just rambled for like 3 paragraphs. I sincerely apologize to whoever reads this. I may get up tommorow and take it down. Just to spare the other board members. :(

 How would you like to come back to my tardis and take a look at my time vortex?   

Guys one and two were a day late and a dollar short, respectively, with you. You are a prize, you're smart and you're dignified, but it does seem like guys (especially young ones) do expect girls to do all the work. a) because they're afraid of being called dogs and b) because girls have just gotten tacky. Don't lose faith, you may have to kiss a lot of frogs- well, not a lot, I hope. s to Rachel!

Aw, Rachel, I owe you one big hug when I return from the East Side.  And if you call yourself lame one more time, I will also owe you one big kick in the ass. 

Last night I had the pleasure of going out for drinks with two of my ex-girlfriends at the same time.  They kept their distance from one another and all, but it was a little uncomfortable until one of them left.  Luckily, there were a bunch of my other friends there, and by eight thirty, I was pretty hammered, so I didn't lose any sleep over it.

All of the above advice about friends getting into relationships is great and all, but there are of course, other problems, like living 2800 miles away from my friend, etc.  Maybe someday we'll live near each other, but this has been a pretty constant theme in our friendship, as well as in any other sort of "ship" might come.  It's good though, I'm over the whininess of the other night and I'm going to watch my friend sing tonight at a county fair.  And then I'll be headed back for the west coast.  If life is unfair, it is only so in that the world can't be small enough that everyone we like can live in one place.

-cg

I must say, I also go for the wrong ones.  I always end up with the guy who is real good in bed but dumber than a box of rocks or forgets to tell me that he's already in a relationship.  Anyway, I kinda gave up the dating thing 2 years ago and then thought that I was in love with one of my best firends.  Well, I love him, really I do, but after seeing his naked ass last weekend and passed out on the front lawn, I find that I am not in love with him, but love him a lot.  I also have started to want to get  back into the game because of this guy that I met.  The weird thing is that he dated my bestest friend in the whole wide world about 6 years ago, but she is the one that is trying to set us up and that makes it all the better.  So, I guess that I hope that something does happen and that I can get back on the horse, so to speak. 

Anyway, I would say just make sure that this chick is really someone you would want to date and just don't think that you want to date her. 

So, we kissed in the parking lot last night before I left for home, and it was really nice.  Tomorrow I leave back for Washington, but at least it wasn't a complete failure.

-cg

Bleep you, & bleep the establishment, and bleep all of you who are trying to make me part of the unestablished establishment.

Bückstabü Blog

You´ll be alright out there, sweetie. I´m sure of it! It might not be as bad as you think.

I doubt it's ever really as bad as we think, unless we are boiling in hot lava.  I have noticed recently that when dating someone, I don't necessarily feel happier, just busier...

-cg

Even if it is a disaster, the best way to get over someone is sometimes to get under someone new.

It's a good reality check.  We'll be waiting for the forthcoming bad sex story